Crazy Conversations (Christmas & Kitty)

December 27, 2013March 21, 2014 / Janna Hill / 11 Comments

Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty

(Ring, ring)

Me: Hello.

Bea: Did you get anything nice for Christmas?

Me: I’m fine thank you. How are you?

Bea: I didn’t ask how you were doing. Did you have a good Christmas?

Me: Yes I did. Did you?

Bea: I got the same old junk I get every year. Why do people ask you what you want if they are not going to give it to you?

Me: Did everyone make it home this year?

Bea: I have house shoes stacked waist high in my closet and enough gels and lotions to open my own Bath & Body Works.

Me: Hey that’s an idea. Maybe you could open a little shop and call it Foot & Body or Bea’s Bath & Slippers.

Bea: Don’t be absurd!

Me: It was just a thought.

Bea: Well it was a tacky little thought and besides they make perfectly good gifts for friends and in-laws.

Me: By the way thank you for the foaming cranberry soap. I love the smell and-

Bea: How is your dog? Did you get the dog anything for Christmas?

Me: Which dog? I have three.

Bea: The Chihuahua! I am not concerned about the ones that live outside.

Me: The dogs are all fine and they each got a bone for Christmas. The kids are fine too.

Merry Christmas you poor dumb dingo.

Bea: A bone?! That’s not a decent gift.

Me: They were happy with it.

Bea: Who – the children or the dogs?

Me: Both.

Bea: Well the dogs don’t know any better. You should get a cat. My Kitty would never settle for a lousy bone. Isn’t that right Kitty Kitty? Yes it is. You’re mommy’s wittle princess; her itty-bitty baby. Mommy wuvs her sweet Kitty Kitty yes she does.

Me: Did you ever consider naming her something other than Kitty Kitty?

Bea: That would be ridiculous. Her name has been Kitty Kitty for six years. Her won’t answer to anything else will you baby? No her won’t. She wuvs her name and she wuvs her mommy. She’s not like mommy’s other babies – no she’s not. She’s a good girl. Aren’t you a good girl?

Me: Should I let you go so you can talk to the cat?

Bea: Why don’t you get a cat? They are a lot smarter than dogs and they don’t stink.

Me: You know I am allergic to ninety percent of the domestic feline population.

Bea: Well you need a cat. Real writers have cats. Surely you could find one in the ten percent of the populace you are not allergic to. Have you ever tried?

Me: The other ten percent smell worse than dogs.

Bea: Malarkey! Cats do not stink.

Me: Dead cats do.

Bea: That was a cruel thing to say. She was just being facetious Kitty Kitty. She’s jealous, that what she is. Dog people are mean aren’t they? Yes they are. They are meannie weenies but mommy will protect her pretty Kitty oh yes she will. Do you want mommy to make her apologize? You do? Okay I’ll tell her –

Me: Put the cat on the phone.

Bea: Here she is.

Me: Kitty Kitty are you there?

Bea: She can hear you, go ahead.

Me: Did you ever watch a sitcom called Friends?

Bea: She has watched every single rerun at least once.

Me: Kitty Kitty do you know the song Phoebe sang?

Bea: ‘Smelly Cat, Smelly Cat what are they feeding you?’ We laugh at that every time we hear it.

Me: Well Kitty that song was written about your mother.

Bea: Don’t tell her that! Now you really need to apologize.

Me: Forgive me Smelly Jr. – I mean Kitty Kitty. I’m sorry you’re a cat – it’s not your fault.

Bea: Ignore her baby; she’s just a nasty ole dog hugger. So did you get a lot for Christmas?

Me: Are you talking to me?

Bea: Of course I am talking to you! Who else would I be talking to?

Me: I got everything I wanted.

Bea: That’s good. Listen dear, I’m already working on next year’s list and I have you down as a size 8/9 in house slippers. Do you have a color preference? I’m thinking red, blue or leopard print.

Me: The red or blue either one would be nice.

Bea: Hmm. I thought you would prefer the leopard print?

Me: I would but isn’t that what I gave you last Christmas?

Bea: Hello? Hello? The reception here is terrible. I haven’t heard a word you’ve said since your apology to Kitty. I’m sorry sweetie I’m going to hang up now – call me back in a day or two. Oh and Merry Christmas.

Me: Merry Christmas Bea.

(Click)

Good Morning

October 6, 2013 / Janna Hill / 10 Comments

Q: What does your morning look like?

A: My mornings consist of coffee (lots of coffee), a walk and being greeted by the most awesome guard dogs in the world. See how they saved me from that turkey in the background?

Thank you for keeping that vicious turkey at bay

Good morning Morning Glory

Inspired by a change in weather

I wake the flowers up ‘good morning Morning Glory’ and forecast the weather by holding my wet thumb in the air. Sometimes I lick it, sometimes I let one of the dogs do it for me.

Today’s forecast: FABULOUS. It is cloudy and seventy degrees. The wind is up, the temperature is down and there is a real honest to goodness cold front blowing in. 🙂

Gloomy skies are the perfect inspiration for dark stories so I had better get busy before the weather changes. You know the old saying ~~“If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and it will change.”~~ “why lick your thumb if someone else will do it for you.”

Let’s Talk Turkey

July 17, 2013 / Janna Hill / 9 Comments

I was taking a walk with Whiskey (the eight month old German Shepherd I inherited) and came upon a flock of these feathered non-smack talking birds and just wondered…

Does anyone say ‘jive turkey’ anymore?

Why is a ‘turkey’ considered dumb? Have you ever hunted turkey? Most game hunters will tell you those dull [seemingly dim witted] birds are really quite clever.

If a turkey is a dummy and a jive turkey is someone who doesn’t know what they’re talking about why do people say “let’s talk turkey” when they want a serious discussion?

Hmmm. All of this turkey talk has made me hungry. Enjoy the pictures, I’m going to make myself a sandwich.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Lost in the Details

March 2, 2013March 2, 2013 / Janna Hill / 7 Comments

I have been busy – I mean crazy busy! Or maybe I’m feeling lazy and every little thing feels like a huge undertaking? No, I’m going with the crazy busy but that doesn’t relieve me from commitments. I made a commitment (if only to myself and my mother) to participate in the weekly photo challenge and by golly the show must go on! Besides, these challenges give me a reason to take a break from the mundane and enjoy what others have to offer. As I a writer I’m prone to get so involved in writing and research and blah blah blah that I forget life’s fundamentals. Not just the bathing and eating, I forget to do that all the time. Sometimes I literally forget to breathe… to get up and take a walk… to look outside the scenes inside my head. That’s when Honey (aka my husband) steps in and performs CPR.

My chaos is no more trying than the next persons and probably less than many. The world is spinning faster for everyone and we hamsters must pick up the pace. We must also admit when it’s just a tad too much and relinquish the wheel or the camera in this case.

So, without further ado I present Honey’s take on this week’s photo challenge: Lost in the Details.

Finding Myself lost in the details.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Surprise

December 23, 2012 / Janna Hill / 9 Comments

Surprise surprise surprise! The infamous words of Gomer Pyle echo in my memory but to my own surprise they don’t annoy me like they did some forty years ago. That is probably because I have matured just a little. I am no longer burdened with the need to be cool and now find myself longing for a simpler time, an era where trust and naivety could walk freely among crowds, if there ever was such a time. Maybe there was and it rests on a reel of black and white film stored somewhere in sunny California?

Or in a box of old photographs in Texas…

Or under a live oak tree with a tire swing…

Or maybe, just maybe in a little dog’s dreams of Christmas.

I wouldn’t be surprised if all of the above are true.

Amazed at old photographs. Even when you’ve seen them a hundred times.

Little girls are always full of surprises.

I’m surprised she let me put the cap on her head.

This weeks photo challenge is (you guessed it) SURPRISE.

Weekly Photo Challenge: Reflections

December 3, 2012December 3, 2012 / Janna Hill / 13 Comments

Reflections. One could go in so many (deeper) directions with this week’s photo challenge. I chose a few simple mirrored images.
You know I have become somewhat of a procrastinator and [once again] goofed off all weekend. So now it is Monday and everyone has gone back to their weekly grind leaving me without a proven assistant, someone to inspire me and offer suggestions. Oh sure I have plenty of insects and dying foliage but they don’t seem to speak to me at the moment. Was it something I said? I don’t know. Nevertheless I found a new assistant. He is young and inexperienced, a bit awkward and doesn’t take directions well but he works really cheap. I mean really, really cheap. After a few belly rubs and a dog biscuit I had him eating out of my hand, literally. And now without further ado I present to you the reflections of Mr. Clyde Kadiddlehopper.