Round Here

You can’t quite tell it (unless you can smell it) `round here but Autumn has officially arrived.

It’s a balmy 95 degrees today. I have the shades drawn, the AC turned down to 70 degrees Fahrenheit and some sort of orange-cinnamon-pumpkin-fake-cake concoction baking into thin air.

Lord why don’t they make a more comforting smell to compliment fall? Why?! I can hear the atoms colliding in the space around me! Why is this room spinning faster than the earth?

Whew! I don’t know why I’m in such a state. Maybe it’s the fake cake that’s baking. Maybe my hands cramp too much for typing. Maybe I need another nap?

Maybe? The truth is I am rather erratic today and maybe I lied. I suspect I’m in such a state because…

Well… You see…

Deep breath and confess.

I’m nursing a hangover. A post bachelorette weekend party hangover but I can explain.

You see we went to this place and had some drinks…

And then some more places and some more drinks…

I couldn’t stop `em, the girls and the drinks just kept coming…

And then…

Hmm. I don’t remember much after that but I hear we had fun. 😉

I know! What the heck?! I must be insane, mad as a hatter to party like that at my age but you know what? I do not regret it. Not even if an unknown photo surfaces. Not even with a hangover. And you know why?

It was a great way to end the summer but most importantly …

sniff, sniff. I wish I felt well enough to write 1000 words.

Because the bachelorette just happens to be my baby girl and I will never [never ever never] be too old nor will I grow too weary to make memories with that beautiful soul.

Tools (Mad Monday)

You know why I’m mad on this lovely Monday night?

Tools!

I’m not actually mad at tools (and I’m not talking about arse holes) — I am annoyed at myself.  

Me, the one who preaches to work smarter, not harder and to use the tools available and– guess what?

I completely forgot I had a tiny little story enrolled in KDP select at Amazon.

What’s the big deal?  Well [as writers will know] part of the allure and benefit of KDP select is the benefit of promoting —  it is a valuable tool.

 

So, Sam & Sally Scarecrow have sat on the digital shelf (for nearly a year) gathering dust because I forgot they were there and I failed to use my tools. What a waste!

The moral of this madness is, “use your tools but don’t be a tool.”

Oh, and Amazon patrons can get a free copy of Sam & Sally Scarecrow on Friday, every Friday in October.

This indie stuff is hard. 😉

Here’s a Quarter – Call Someone Who Cares (Crazy Conversations)



Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty and the photos are meant to confuse the innocent.

Here’s a Quarter – Call Someone Who Cares or Cats, Mice, Birds & Bulls*t (Crazy Conversations)

Lenny: I called you at least a dozen times Saturday! Why didn’t you answer?

Me: Did you leave a message?

Lenny: Hell no, I did not leave a message. Why don’t you answer your phone?

Me: Well because sometimes I am busy.

Lenny: You are not so busy that you can’t pick up the phone at some point. I mean – for Pete’s sake I called you twelve to fifteen times – all day long and you ignored me.

Me:  Hmm. I usually do answer if I recognize the name or the number and (of course) if I am free to talk.

Lenny: Oh, so you were busy. Are you working on a new story?

Me: Nah.

Lenny: Then what are you so “busy” doing?

Me: I have a couple minor things in the works but mostly … Hmm… let me think … I guess most of my time is spent playing with the kittens – oh and watching the birds. Maddie, my female cat – mother to the kittens – killed a Bluebird and ate it. Lordy, lord! I know it is only natural but I have to admit it troubled me seeing it. That poor little bird flapping his beautiful blue wings so fiercely at first… then flap, flap flap. He went limp and it was over. I almost cried. I prefer not to see it, ya know?!  Did I tell you one of my tomcats, Jimmy, sweet little Jimmy Jam killed a Cardinal? Oh man, that was unsettling. I don’t know if I can ever see him as being sweet again. I don’t mind them killing mice but–


Lenny: So you are so busy with these kittens who [by the way] you know will grow up to kill the birds because that is what cats do – you are saying this full time obsession prevents you from answering your phone?

Me: No, that is not what I said. Didn’t you hear the part where I said if I recognize the number? I’m looking through my phone and apparently you are not even listed in my contacts; if you were stored in my contacts my phone would specifically say “Incoming call from Lenny” and then I would (probably) answer.

Lenny: Probably?!

Me: Yes PROBABLY. Although I’m not sure now.

Lenny: Why? What do you mean?

Me: I’m not sure I want to talk to anyone who is so callous toward cats and birds.

Lenny: I am not callous – I’m just saying —

Me: Oh, shut up hater of God’s creations. Back to your query, I’m still looking… Why aren’t you in my contacts? I don’t have your number. Hmm… no voice mail … no messages…

Lenny: Oh my gosh! You are screening your calls, aren’t you? Why are you screening your calls?

Me: That’s my business and you haven’t answered my question. I save important numbers. Why don’t I have your phone number stored?

Lenny: Because I use a Call Private service.

Me: What is that?

Lenny: My phone is set to restrict my ID so it shows up as anonymous or private number.

Me: Why the hell would you do that?

Lenny: Because I’m not comfortable with everybody knowing my phone number – I like my privacy.

Me: Oh, I see. In other words you’re paranoid or up to no good. That is a sneaky tactic, you know I do not like sneaky!

Lenny: So you will answer the next time I call?

Me: Not if I don’t recognize the name or number; definitely not if it is anonymous or private.

Lenny: Why?

Me: Because I like to know who I am going to be talking to Mr. Sneaky Snake; who I am freely giving my time to. Maybe you should drink root-beer.

Lenny: Well, don’t you at least want to know why I called?

Me: Oh dear Lenny, [mean spirited bubble buster] in honor of your anonymity and with all due respect for your privacy [despiser of soft furry things] the answer is no. Now if you don’t mind I have a thousand kitty videos to catch up on so here’s a quarter, call someone who cares.

One Angry Bird (Mad Monday)

I do not know the story behind this poor cardinal being “uncapped” but I know he is not [at all] happy about it.

He, however, makes the best of it; he is a proud bird and holds his head high, or at least what is left of it.

We lovingly refer to him as Knot-head, which is odd considering he is missing most of his topknot. Is that irony? I don’t know but it amuses us so…

I don’t think he minds our entertainment at his expense (because we keep him fed and adore him) but I feel certain he detests the gossiping, cruel remarks from the other birds — the well plumed and unscathed with their mean-tweets and chuckles. Yep, he is past being embarrassed — he’s pissed.

Knot-head is one angry bird and I suspect he is plotting revenge.

I must tell you I have petitioned him for the full rights to his story. The problem is he may have limited comprehension and communication skills due to his head injury. Time will tell…

#NPM – Sorry but this is Mad Monday

… Mad as in I am mad about these adorable kittens. They were born yesterday and I spent most of the day cooing over them. I know, I’ve got a problem.

See why I didn’t have time to read the poems submitted? I know you will forgive me when you see all of this furry cuteness, all five of them.

Hey, maybe one of them will inspire a bit of poetry? It could happen.

I mean really. Just look at these kitty cats. And Maddie is being a great mama – once she got over the surprise.

No Fooling (Oh and…)

I am doing a new experiment with an old retailer.

Smashwords, based in Los Gatos, California, is an e-book-distribution platform founded by Mark Coker for independent authors and publishers. The company began public operation in 2008. Wikipedia

Okay maybe Smashwords isn’t that old but it is older than my Indie Adventures.

So, here’s the deal. Smashwords has a publishers option to let the reader decide the price they are willing to pay for a book as in: “You set the price!”

Yep! You can pay $0.00 or $1,000,000,000 for a book. It’s up to you. And I have made that option available for all of my titles with Smashwords. Seriously. No fooling.

Man wouldn’t that be cRaZy nice if someone dropped a million bucks on one (or all) of my books. Woo-hoo! I would be like, (happy dance ensues)

“Yo fans and frenz it’s party at my place.” We would have soooo much fun with beers and grilling and…

(Dream comes to screeching halt. Author frowns and regains composure.)

Anyway… Check it out. [Note not all titles are up on their site yet and many copies at Smashwords are from years ago but I am trying to update while adding to the list.]

I’ll let y’all know how the “You set the price” experiment goes sometime in the near future.

Oh And…

You all know April is National Poetry Month so we have that to look forward to, right? Right!

In the mean while just look at my Nectarine tree blooming and making little baby Nectarines. The babies look like something from a horror film now but before long they will be scary delicious.

Does anyone have a poem about Nectarines?

No? Well here’s to inspiration.