Crazy Conversations (Boogers Are Wet)

Boogers Are Wet (Or They Should Be)

Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose…  There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them.
Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one.

sisters
My baby sister was kind enough to accompany me while I had a series of tests done. She mostly sat in the lobby and played games on the iPad, but between tests, we had a chance to chat. It certainly made the ordeal much more entertaining. This is how I repay her.

Sister: Why did you tell the nurse your baby sister would be driving you home?
Me: Because she asked me. If I can’t drive, you are supposed to. I thought you knew that.
Sister: I know that dummy – I mean the baby sister part. I am fifty years old.
Me: I don’t care how old you are, you will always be the baby. It’s not like she thought you were a toddler.
Sister: Just don’t start thinking you can boss me. You’re not the boss of me.
Me: Lord, ain’t that the truth. If I could make you do anything, you would be having a few of these tests right along with me.
Sister: Don’t lecture me either. I know my body and I know how to take care of it. I may not take good care of it but I know that too.
Me: I won’t lecture you. Harping on people never helps — especially rebellious people. You do take an aspirin every day, right?
Sister: Yes. Some days I take three or four — or five. Usually four. They’re just baby aspirins.
Me: Why do you take four baby aspirin?
Sister: Because sometimes one is not enough.
Me: But the doctor told you to take one a day — just to thin your blood, right?
Sister: Right! But when you cut yourself and the blood clots a soon as it comes to the surface – it’s too thick. Blood is supposed to drip, that’s just common sense. People should pay attention to that and know their body. I’m not going to pay a doctor $200 to tell me my blood is too thick.
Me: Why not just take one adult aspirin – the milligrams would be the same.
Sister: No, it would not be the same Miss Nursey-Nurse. Four baby aspirins equal 324 milligrams, one adult aspirin is 325.
Me: So you’re worried that you might overdose?
Sister: No. I just like the taste of the baby aspirin.
Me: You are one stubborn woman.
Sister: You know I will cut my nose off to spite my face, so will you.
Me: Speaking of noses, look at that lady across from you.
Sister: Oh my gosh! Did you see that dry flaky thing she just sent flying?
Me: Yeah! What was that?
Sister: It looked like a UFO.
Me: Shhh!
Sister: See what I mean, I bet that woman doesn’t know her own body. She’s probably here to have a dozen tests done when the problem is she’s just dehydrated. It’ll cost her $1500 to find out she needs to drink more water.
Me: So you’re diagnosing now? You don’t know her.
Sister: No, but I know boogers. You saw that rice cake she flung across the room! Boogers are wet, or they should be.
Me: It’s hard to argue with logic.

Crazy Conversations (Moe I’m Dying)

Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. CAUTION: They cuss.
 

Moe, I’m Dying

Pippin: I got my lab reports in from the doctor. There’s an H beside half of them, what does that mean?

Kit: High. H means high, L means low.

Pippin: I know that! What do these numbers say about my health?

Kit: Ask your doctor. I forgot to lay anything out- what do you want to eat?

Pippin: I don’t know. Answer the door.

Kit: You answer the door, I’m busy.

Pippin: Come on in man. Did you hear the bad news? I just got handed a death sentence… Moe, I’m dying.

Kit: Do you want chicken or pork chops for dinner?

Pippin: I’m dying and she wants to know if I want pork chops for dinner. Do you see what I’m dealing with Moe?

Kit: We have left over pork chops. They smell a little funny but I think they’ll be okay if I rinse the sticky stuff off.

Pippin: It ain’t bad enough the pork is killing me slowly; she has to add ptomaine to the mix. Have you ever had ptomaine poisoning Moe? It’s bad, real bad. You’ll have to watch that when I’m gone, don’t eat anything around here or you’ll be a goner just like me.

Kit: Okay would you rather have the chicken? It’s still frozen but I could microwave it for a minute or two then fry it.

Pippin: Did you hear that Moe? My only alternative is a radioactive chicken. Not only will it be full of cancer causing radiation but she’s going to boil it in oil so she can finish me off.

Kit: I’m not boiling it in oil, I’m frying it.

Pippin: What’s the difference? My arteries don’t know the difference. My cholesterol is 5000 and you want to argue?

Kit: Oh, you’re talking to me now?

Pippin: See Moe, she’s hoping I’ll get mad and have a heart attack right here in front of her. You’ll have to call 911 – she won’t do it.

Kit: Stop telling him that! You are not dying.

Pippin: I’ve got high blood pressure-”

Kit: And your cholesterol is not 5000, there’s no such thing. No one has ever had cholesterol that high.

Pippin: Don’t listen to her Moe. Look at this here report. I’ve got high pressure, high sugar, high triglycerides…

Kit: You’ve got high hopes too if you think that dog gives a hoot about all of your ailments. Moe, you want a pork chop?

Pippin: Now she’s just trying to hurt my feelings. You love me don’t you Moe? Come back here. Moe heel! Moe… Moe? Dammit Moe you know I’m dying.

There Is No Place Like Home

Can’t you just see Dorothy clicking her heels? There is no place like home. There is no place like home…

I’m sorry, that’s as funny as this post is going to get.

There is no place like home. Most people would agree with that. Some would even tell you there are places far worse than home. Those are the places we avoid, the places we fear. The places we sometimes absolutely refuse to abide… But sometimes we’re forced into such places.

As most know I recently returned from holiday and as everyone knows (or anyone that’s ever left home for more than 12 hours) things stack up.

I was sorting through an endless list of digital solicitations when I came across an article. This article was not a solicitation; it’s a magazine I actually subscribe to. The article was written back in November and titled Patients Have the Right to Choose Death From Bedsores by Art Caplan from the division of medical ethics at the NYU Langone Medical Center in New York.

(If you don’t subscribe to Medscape you can see most of it here or here)

I won’t bore you with the legalities or the medical jargon but the point made was this: a person’s right to die has far-reaching effects. That in itself is not anything new but the method in which the man chose to die was essentially unheard of.  The article did not delve into the gory details of dying by decubitus but more of how one person’s decision might affect those around them. Their right to die and how that right might disrupt the well-being of people indirectly related to them.

To die from bedsores – to choose to die from bedsores strikes me as a horrendous way of exiting this life yet I must respect that person’s right as much as I would anyone’s refusal of life-prolonging measures.

Much controversy and upheaval came about due to this man’s decision. He simply refused to be turned. The poor gentleman was cautioned regarding the onset and side effects of decubitus ulcers – essentially that pressure sores would develop, his flesh would rot, infection would set in and death would be slow, malodorous and uncomfortable to say the least. Being of sound mind he declared this his fate. You see the gentleman could no longer live in his own home after suffering a series of debilitating strokes and thus decided not to live at all.

The sad thing about his choice was not only how it affected him but everyone else in the hospital. For five weeks (that’s how long it took) it is said that the odor grew stronger as he grew weaker. The room in which he stayed was treated as isolation not due to contagions but to contain the stench as much as possible.

He had one daughter.

It is not my intention to judge or point fingers, this man was of sound mind, an opinion substantiated by professional reports. I don’t intend to weigh in on the family dynamics other than to express my sympathies. I’m not up for debating Kevorkian issues, to each his own and let your conscience be your guide. So what is this post about? I’m not really sure except to possibly bring light to the reality that our decisions reach far beyond the tips of our fingers and our own demise… and the fact that there is no place like home.

Some People Just Give It Away

Before your assumptions make a hard left in the wrong direction please know I am not talking about sex, books or money.

I may be guilty of giving away the aforementioned but this post relates to donating body fluid; lifesaving liquid. The stuff mosquitoes, bedbugs, lice and ticks take without asking.

Literally your lifeblood.

Did you know you can donate (aka sell) plasma and keep your cells? That’s right, the red and white blood cells along with the platelets are returned to you during the process and a little stipend for your trouble.

The last I heard the pay was about $30 per donation. It usually takes two hours so hey, that’s fifteen bucks an hour. Not bad for a part time job. Most facilities allow you (even encourage you) to donate twice a week. That’s like what… $60 a week… $240 a month. Shoot, during months with five weeks you could earn as much as $270!

Some people I know [honestly] supplement their income this way and then some people just give it away.

Donating a pint of whole blood is less time consuming and pays much less. The average payout for whole blood is $0.00. Yeah, that is definitely not a way to supplement your income. I personally prefer to donate, not because of time constraints but because it makes me feel better… like a philanthropist. Maybe they’ll put that in my obituary.

Yes I donated blood today, hence the reason for this post. I left the bus smiling a juice mustache smile with a package of Nutter Butter cookie bites feeling like I saved the world.

If you are a donor reach around and pat yourself on the back. You’ve saved a life or at least improved someone’s health.

Please also consider your own health and the possible side effects of frequent plasma donation.

Novel Swine Flu

When I saw this headline I briefly thought it might be a Sherlock Holmes medical mystery of sorts. Then it dawned on me my medical subscriptions come to the same email address as many of my writer/blogger subscriptions. I also remembered novel could mean new. Duh. Nonetheless I think this is worth sharing.

Cases of Novel Swine Influenza Surging                                                           

(Article by Robert Lowes)

The number of individuals sickened by a novel swine influenza virus since July 2011 has surged to 29, with 12 new cases reported this week, the US Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) announced today.

These 12 cases number among 16 reported during the last 3 weeks.

Of the 12 swine influenza cases from this week, 10 involved patients who had been exposed to pigs at a county fair in Butler County, Ohio, 1 involved a patient had been exposed to swine at a county fair in Indiana, and 1 involved a farmer in Hawaii who worked with pigs. None of the 12 patients were hospitalized.

Direct or indirect contact with pigs explains how most of the 29 individuals, predominantly children, caught the virus.

[You may have already heard it but this part is really important y’all]

The CDC has identified a few cases of human-to-human transmission, and the agency is closely monitoring the virus to see whether it mutates into a version more easily spread among humans. A study published in February reported that the virus has “pandemic potential” among humans.

Just in case, the agency has developed a pilot vaccine against the novel virus that is scheduled for clinical trials later this year.

In the meantime, the CDC is advising individuals who may get up close and personal with pigs to take precautions, which include:

  • washing hands with soap and water before and after exposure to swine,
  • never eating or drinking in swine areas, and
  • avoiding close contact with swine that appear to be sick.

*At higher risk are children under 5 years, adults 65 years and older, pregnant women, and people with certain chronic illnesses such as asthma or heart disease. These should avoid pigs altogether.

Article edited by me to save you a little time and boredom. Full article available at Medscape.com