Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. CAUTION: They cuss.
Enumerating Kin
Cousin Bill: We need to get together more. Somebody ought to plan a family reunion before all of us are gone.
Sue: Yes, someone should take charge and do that, not that you would go – you haven’t gone to any of the other ones.
Cousin Bill: I didn’t know there were any other ones.
Sue: You say the same thing every time.
Betty: Don’t get on his ass. You ain’t been to many of `em yourself missy!
Sue: I wasn’t getting on his ass. If I was getting on his ass he would know it, trust me.
Cousin Bill: It kinda felt like you were gettin’ on my ass. Matter of fact I think you left a mark.
Sue: Poor baby, you want Betty to kiss it and make it all better.
Betty: I’m not kissin’ his hairy old butt.
Cousin Bill: It ain’t hairy. It’s smooth as a baby’s bottom. You wanna see?
Betty: No thank you.
Sue: I do.
Betty: You’re sick in the head girl if you want to look at his rear-end.
Sue: You looked at it so I guess you’re sick in the head too.
Betty: My lookin’ was an accident. I turned my head as soon as I could but I gotta tell you I still have nightmares about it.
Cousin Bill: Would somebody just plan the damn reunion already!
Sue: Betty you’re the oldest why don’t you start a list of paternal relatives and we’ll go from there.
Betty: What is paternal?
Sue: From the father’s side.
Betty: Oh that’s easy. Let’s see… there is Aunt Lou and Uncle Delbert-
Sue: They are from mother’s side of the family and they passed away twelve years ago.
Betty: So you want just the live ones?
Sue: I think the dead ones might have a problem making it to a family reunion.
Cousin Bill: I imagine they’re having their own reunion in heaven. God rest their souls. Sue would you get me another beer?
Betty: I’ve seen dead people at reunions.
Sue: Just make the list Betty we don’t have time for your ghost stories.
Cousin Bill: Lord knows her stories do go on. We’ll all be at that heavenly reunion by the time she finishes.
Betty: Why does it have to be just Daddy’s side? That’s plum rude.
Sue: Let’s work on one thing at a time. We can make a maternal list later.
Betty: What’s maternal? Never mind, I know the answer.
Sue: Good.
Betty: But I don’t think there will be many people show up at a reunion for pregnant women.
Sue: Dadgum you’re sharp as a tack. So how many have you got on the list so far?
Betty: Ummm. What ever happened to Jim and all of those girls? And Jerry and his wife – none of them had any boys did they?
Cousin Bill: Nope. No males to carry on the family name. I reckon we’ll disappear from the annals of history.
Betty: Annals. Is that the same as anus?
Sue: That’s right Betty, it is. That is called a synonym. Don’t worry Bill I’m sure the county has an accurate record of you.
Betty: Well that makes sense now. Curtis is a history butt and he is always talking about annals.
Sue: So you’ve got Jim and Jerry’s clans. Who else?
Betty: You know they had three sisters and a couple of brothers that was stout enough to produce some male offspring. They each had at least five kids and most of `em was boys.
Cousin Bill: What does stout have to do with it?
Betty: A man’s seed has got to be strong to make a boy. Can’t have no little pecker either. Boy seeds are puny little swimmers; they have to be planted deep. Yep, you gotta park `em right on top of the ovary or they’ll never make it.
Cousin Bill: I think I’ll go get me a beer.
Betty: Did you know there are millions and millions of sperm released every time a man relieves his self.
Sue: When he urinates?
Betty: No dummy. Piss don’t have sperm in it. When he umm… you know… has an orgasm.
Sue: Why are you whispering? Orgasm is not a dirty word.
Betty: Well it sounds vulgar to me. It sounds like oral – makes me think of oral… you know. Come to think of it, that might be the reason Jerry and his wife never had any boys. And Jim too. Girl they was puttin’ it in the wrong hole!
Sue: Oh dear lord baby Jesus. You don’t really believe that do you?
Betty: Do you have a better theory?
Sue: No. No Betty I don’t. Let’s forget about the millions and millions of misplaced scrawny sperm for now. How many do you have on the list?
Betty: Two.
The Real Janna Hill in 