Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. CAUTION: They cuss.

Teddy: Let’s hurry and order. I’m having my hair colored in an hour.

Beth: Are you kidding? You look fabulous with gray hair Teddy. Don’t you dare dye it! You’re one of the rare few who can gray naturally and look so good. It’s beautiful dear, be proud of it – you can’t get that color in a bottle you know.

Gene: You can’t get shit in a bottle either.

Beth: Did you just say your wife’s hair looks like shit Gene?

Gene: No, I said you can’t get shit in a bottle. That’s all I said.

Beth: Sure you can. Of course you can. You can get shit in a bottle, can’t you Teddy?

Teddy: I think I’ll have a double martini.

Gene: No you can’t. Well maybe you could put it in there yourself if you wanted to but you can not buy it.

Beth: I know darn well you can. You can buy anything you want in a bottle. You can buy deer and coyote urine… I imagine you could buy duck pee if the urge struck you.

Gene: Yeah but you can’t buy shit Beth and you know that’s the truth!

Beth: Baloney! That is not the truth. And what do you know about the truth you dumb son of a bitch.

Gene: Come now, you’re being ridiculous. You surely know you can’t buy a container of feces.

Beth: Don’t you speak condescending to me you lying little maggot. I’ll buy you a bottle of shit just to prove it can be done.

Gene: Why would I want a bottle of shit?

Beth: How would I know? You’re a pervert – what you do with it is your business.

Gene: I don’t want to do anything with it.

Beth: Then what do you want it for? Just so you can say you have a bottle of shit in your pantry? That’s crazy.

Gene: I’m not crazy and I do not appreciate your wisecrack. I’m on an antidepressant Beth, I am not insane.

Beth: Oh really? How many other people do you know that want a bottle of shit in their kitchen cupboard?

Gene: I don’t want a bottle of shit!

Beth: My heavens man then tell me what is it that you want?

Gene:  I don’t want anything.

Teddy: Are you sure dear? I think I’ll have the chowder.