Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. CAUTION: They cuss.

Teddy, Gene and Beth couldn’t be with us due to the fact that Teddy and Gene had a hangover prior engagement [they had some how forgotten about] and poor Beth is a tit bag didn’t feel well.

Robert: Why are we having turkey? Turkey is traditional. I thought you all agreed on a non-traditional Christmas dinner.

Audrey: We did.

Robert: Well turkey is about as non-traditional as my –

Audrey: Robert! Watch your mouth. Besides this is Christmas Eve, you can have a non-traditional dinner tomorrow.

Robert: But what about today?

Audrey: Today you will eat turkey.

Tom: If I’d known we were having turkey I would have stayed home.

Audrey: Just carve the bird dear; you don’t have to eat it.  Be sure to set some aside for Beth. She likes turkey and it might make her feel better.

Robert: Beth will eat anything that doesn’t eat her first. She should have dragged her lazy ass off of the sofa if she wanted turkey.  I ought to eat the whole bird out of spite – that would serve her right.

Tom: Bob please don’t talk bad about Beth when she isn’t here to defend herself.

Robert: What did I say that wasn’t true? You know you’re married to a bitchy hag that thinks she’s a diva.

Tom: She is my diva.

Robert: Oh hell, now you’re gonna make me puke. You have no idea there is a difference between a diva and a bitch.

Audrey: Stop it Robert! I can’t believe you kissed my mother with that nasty mouth.

Robert: Don’t worry; I spit the cuss words out before I kissed her. So what are we having for meat?

Audrey: There is chicken in the dressing, eat that.

Robert: There isn’t enough chicken in that dressing to fill my hollow tooth.

Audrey: First you insult my sister now you disrespect my mother’s dressing?

Robert: How am I disrespecting her dressing?

Audrey: You know there is a whole chicken in there and you make a smart alack remark about your hollow tooth. Maybe you should see a dentist.

Robert: I saw the dentist two weeks ago. You know that.

Audrey: What did he say about that hollow tooth? Did he offer to fill it?

Robert: I don’t need any fillings, my teeth are perfectly fine.

Audrey: Then the chicken shouldn’t be a problem.

Robert: This is the saddest damn dinner I’ve ever seen. It is gawdam meatless. I bet Beth is layed up eating a slab of frickin’ brisket. You’re right Tom, you should have stayed home and I should have gone to your house.

Audrey: Kiss my ass Robert.

Robert: OH, Audrey. You said a bad word.

Tom: She didn’t mean it.

Audrey: Oh I totally meant it! Literally. I don’t give a flying rat’s patootie if he eats the turkey or the dressing but I sincerely want him to kiss my bare naked butt or he’ll have turkey sandwiches for a month.

Robert: Now I never said I didn’t like turkey sandwiches. Come to think of it I like them a lot on wheat bread with mayonnaise… Tom slice it real thin and wrap a few pieces for us to take home. Not the drumstick, I don’t like-

Audrey: Robert?

Robert: What?

Audrey: Would you like to kiss my derrière before or after you say the blessing?

Robert: After would probably be better for me.