Crazy Conversations (My Mother)

Cotton, peas, your friends, your seat, your nose… There are a lot of things you can pick. Family isn’t one of them. Disclaimer: Life is crazy, people are crazier and my family… well they get the crazy award if there is one. This is a work of ‘true fiction’ inspired by family. The names have been changed to protect the guilty. CAUTION: They cuss.

Old family photo

Old family photo

Me: Look at this old photograph I found the other day mama. That’s back when you smoked and had curly hair.

Mama: You mean back before you drove me to pulling it out by the roots.

Me: You still have a lot of hair mother.

Mama: Not nearly as much and what I do have has been pulled straight as a board.

Me: I’m sorry I worried you.

Mama: You still worry me.

Me: Why? I have been an upstanding citizen for years now.

Mama: I’ve noticed you’re not working on your promotions.

Me: I thought you said relations, so I worked on that.

Mama: So you’re gettin’ plenty of sex then?

Me: Yes ma’am.

Mama: Okay now get to work on your promotions.

Me: You want me to promote my relations?

Mama: Hell no. You know what I mean.

Me: You told me a few weeks ago I should get back to writing.

Mama: So how is the latest story coming along?

Me: I’ve got a few thousand words written.

Mama: Yep. Same 3,449 you had last month I bet. I never see you online.

Me: I don’t see you on line either.

Mama: Don’t get sassy with me little girl. You know my computer is slow and I don’t have all day to wait on a single page to load. I’m busy.

Me: I know you are. Between watching Jeopardy and feeding the dog I don’t know how you manage to have dinner ready by 4 PM much less find time to get online.

Mama: I get on there once or twice a week but you know that computer is so old.

Me: What about your laptop? The one you got for your birthday, it’s fairly new.

Mama: I don’t like the way it feels – I don’t know why you girls even got that for me.

Me: Because you asked for it?

Mama: I wanted something that would surf faster.

Me: Your ISP is the problem mother, not the computer.

Mama: If my ESP was working I wouldn’t need a computer.

Me: No, I said your ISP. That is your internet service provider. You need to upgrade.

Mama: I can’t get anything but dial up where I live.

Me: All of your neighbors have high speed internet.

Mama: Big deal. Your brother still has to walk out in the back yard to use his cell phone.

Me: You could get an internet dish.

Mama: I already have a dish.

Me: Do they offer an internet service package?

Mama: That’s thirty dollars more a month.

Me: That doesn’t sound bad.

Mama: I think I just need another computer.

Me: That wouldn’t help.

Mama: That attitude right there is why you’re not selling more books.

Me: Why do you say that?

Mama: Well instead of blogging all day and worrying about what I’m doing you could be attending book signings. I saw one in last week’s paper.

Me: Yeah, I saw that. They invited four or five authors – I wasn’t one of them.

Mama: You should go anyway.

Me: Hey, that would be fun. You and I could go and check out the new books.

Mama: I don’t have time to lollygag around some bookstore. I want you to go – you could share a table with some nice girl and maybe make a real friend. You need to interact more with living people.

Me: You make it sound like I hang out in cemeteries.

Mama: How do you know those online people are who they say they are?

Me: I don’t know if they are honest but I feel pretty sure they are alive.

Mama: Might just be your computer talking back to you.

Me: You should write about that.

Mama: Might be a woman pretending to be a gay man.

Me: Hey, I heard a story like that. There was a-

Mama: Shh!  Alex Trebek is talking.

7 thoughts on “Crazy Conversations (My Mother)

  1. I have had that same conversation with my parents. They are using a 10+ year old computer with the slowest dial up ISP ever. I know how you feel. The family is getting them a new computer for Cristmas.


  2. At least your mom will use a computer. My mom turned mine on once when I was home for summer break and called my sister (crying) when I was at work because she was worried that (1) she was going to run too much electricity while it was on all day and (2) it was going to break or overheat. She still to this day won’t touch one.


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